deadgirlwalkingg:

Today I walked out of my front door forgetting to eat.
Though I didn’t forget the razor blades that hide in my purse
waiting for the moment they’ll get to cut through me again.
I walked out with blood running down my thighs.
I walked out with a water bottle
that I drink in between numbers
as I count slowly to 100 and once again
forget to eat.
I walked out
and counted the steps to the car
in which I sit in on the way to school,
while hearing my mother yell that
everysinglething is wrong with me..
like she thought I was unaware of that.
I walked through the doors of my high school
filled with angry teenagers
and teachers trying to stuff knowledge into our ears.
I walked into 1^st period and listened to
Heart by Baths on repeat
whilst trying not to flood the place.
Can they see the pain behind my eyes?
I walked downstairs and sank into a
chair lined with math equations
thinking if they realized that
a+b doesn’t always equal c.
I counted down the hourssecondsminutes
til my cigarette break
and that tall cup of joe that never leaves me unsatisfied.
Back in again I walked and hid behind a computer
remembering to forget to eat
and making small talk with the kid that sits next to me.
Nodding and smiling and laughing
and not looking at him directly
for fear that he might see the pain behind my eyes.
I walked into math class
and buried myself in Winter -
flipping page after quiet page of a modern girls bible.
I walked out as the buzzer went off and squeezed my
way through the fish, swimming towards their Friday nights.
I head home and open up the screen;
throwing myself into blogs
with creatures just like me-
with hungry bellies and blades flashing and
itchy,
sharp edged voices
stabbing at their brains.
Lighting up spirit after spirit,
have I lost myself?
Cold hands slap my face
but whose hands are these
and whose rings are these
and why do they reach for knives instead of people?
Whose scarred arms are they connected to?

I walk into my dark room.
I think I’ve lost myself.